


I'm Going Home

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf, Rocky Horror Picture Show
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3556238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Frank N. Furter's sonic transducer winds up sending both him and his creation Rocky, to a very strange place indeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Going Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Janamelie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/gifts).



> Just a quick little Rocky Horror/Red Dwarf mash-up that I thought you might enjoy. Happy birthday! :)
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together. And to Richard O'Brien for his amazing creations.

Doctor Frank N. Furter looked around confusedly at the ruddy red walls, and stark industrial looking staircases. "Well really," he lamented. "This is certainly not Transexual." He looked down at the sonic transducer remote in his hand that flickered a set of unfamiliar coordinates. His pet Rocky, grunted as he ran to a porthole and looked excitedly out at the large stretch of open space. Frank grabbed at Rocky’s wrist and pulled him back, letting his own eyes scan the expanse of unfamiliar stars. "It's not even Transylvania! We’re not even in the right galaxy! How did this happen? Oh, can’t anything go right for me today?"

Frank sighed and pressed a sequin-gloved hand to his forehead dramatically. "First those insufferably prudish earthlings show up on my doorstep, then Eddie had to bleed everywhere and ruin my lovely party, now the sonic transducer’s turned out faulty. Oh I’d cry if it wouldn’t spoil my beautiful face."

Rocky was staring at a sign which read, “Level/Nivelo 454” and Frank clucked his tongue at him. “Come, Rocky. I’ve no idea where we’ve got to, and I don’t want you wandering about and getting yourself… damaged.” Frank raised an eyebrow as he stared admiringly at his muscled companion. "Still, things could be worse. At least I've got you here with me, my beautiful creation." Rocky grunted again, flexing his muscles absently as he looked about him like an entranced toddler. Frank pummelled his finger against the remote as he desperately tried to work out where they might have materialized. A few moments later and Frank’s lipstick-rimmed mouth dropped open. He stared at the flashing chart on the remote’s screen.

"No, it can’t possibly…" Frank punched at the buttons again, but the result was the same. "Oh, Rocky! Do you know what I've done? Not only did the sonic transducer project us through space, and time, we're in an entirely different plane of reality! Do you know what this means my beauty?" Rocky stood stiffly, and grinned back at Frank, vacantly.

"It means..." a throaty voice reverberated against the red walls of the ship. "That you're both in a lot more trouble than you realize."

Frank whirled around and found himself face-to-face with an odd looking creature. The creature was clad in a pair of fishnet stockings with suspenders, topped by a fur and feather trimmed leather jacket, and little else. Frank stared with curiosity at the strange symbol on the creature's head, as he tried to decide whether he liked what he saw or not.

"Look, my pet," the man croaked. "Some new friends for you to play with." Surprise registered on Frank's face as he noticed a second figure that had been hidden behind the one in the fishnets. The small man hovered behind the other wearing only a pair of leather trousers, his bare shoulders bowed. A thin, translucent line of glowing blue was wrapped around the man's neck like a collar and the man in the fishnets held onto the other end like a leash. The shirtless man raised a hand clad in a fingerless leather glove and his face split in a surprising grin as he said, "Hi, don't mind Rimmer, he's not really a people person."

"Hush, Listy." Rimmer hissed. "Now, what are we going to do with these two... intruders?" Frank gripped tighter onto Rocky's wrist and pulled him towards him protectively.

"We were just leaving." Frank said with a sniff, looking Rimmer up and down while he simultaneously punched a complicated sequence of numbers into the sonic transducer remote.

"Oh, let's not be so hasty now," purred Rimmer as he stepped past Frank and stood directly in front of Rocky. "Think of all the... fun we could have together." Frank bristled as Rimmer slid one index finger down Rocky's chest, lingering at the top of his gold lamé shorts.

"Well really!" Frank snapped as he stepped backwards, pulling Rocky away from Rimmer's eager fingers. "I don't know what kind of people you are, or what sort of a place this is, but you keep your hands off of my creation. He's _mine_."

Rimmer raised an eyebrow, "Your creation? How interesting." Ignoring Frank, Rimmer continued to stare at the blond Adonis, who only smiled vacantly in response. "You've done rather well for yourself, he’s quite a specimen of manhood. Near perfect."

"Well," Frank said with a disapproving  sniff. "He's certainly more man than your little... pet." Frank nodded towards Lister, "I mean look at him, there’s barely a muscle on him."

Rimmer bristled at the insult. "My pet is quite well-muscled, in the area where it matters most. It more than makes up for any of his physical short-comings."

"Oi!" Lister frowned as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You do realize I'm standing right here, don’t you?"

"Listy!" Rimmer hissed in a furious stage whisper, "Can't you at least pretend that I hold some sort of authority over you? At least when strangers suddenly appear on the ship? You give me absolutely no chance to make a good impression."

"Sorry, SIR." Lister grinned at Rimmer and gave a mocking salute.

Rimmer sighed, "Forget it, just... forget it." He turned to the increasingly perturbed Frank who continued to fiddle with his remote. "I'm Arnold Rimmer, captain of this ship..." Lister let out a great snort that Rimmer pretended to ignore. "This delightfully obedient pet of mine is Dave Lister. Who are you, and how did you get on our ship?"

At that moment, a slender man with a pompadour and wearing a bright purple suit appeared from seemingly nowhere. He screeched at the top of his lungs as he sprinted towards them.

"Whaaaa! Too fast! Too fast for you bolt brains!"

Frank winced as the man clipped his shoulder as he hurled past. The man screeched to an inhumanely elegant halt as he noticed the newcomers. "Hey! Nice shoes!” he flashed a toothy smile as he nodded at Frank. “Not as nice as mine, but then, nobody's shoes are as nice as mine!" He only took the time to lift one eyebrow in appreciation before he was off again at a sprint. Several paces behind, a strange dark metallic creature with a rubbery face lurched into view.

"Come back Mister Cat, sir! You know that you're long overdue for your feline distemper vaccine!" He shouted as he brandished an impressively long syringe.

"And you're long overdue to have your software upgraded you overgrown can opener! Nobody's going to be damaging THIS body with any sharp pokey things!" The Cat made a rude gesture before leaping into an air shaft with a mighty bound.

The metal man shook his head as he walked down the corridor. "Cats are even more difficult to understand than humans. A silly little thing like a routine injection, and he becomes completely unreasonable."

"Give it a rest Krytes," said Lister as he rolled his eyes.

"But Mister Lister, Space Corps regulations insist that all animals on-board Space Corps vessels much be up-to-date with all inoculations, and neutered." Kryten pulled an industrial-sized pair of bolt cutters from behind his back and Frank’s eyes grew wide with horror. He backed up against the corridor wall and hissed quietly in Rocky’s ear, “These people, are deranged!”

"Oh Smeg the regulations Krytes,” Lister continued. “C'mon, why don't you say, 'Hi'? We've got some visitors."

"Visitors? They're intruders, that's what they are! I've half a mind to have the both of them clamped in irons." Rimmer's nose-chain glinted as he sneered.

"Guests? Oh how wonderful!" Kryten shouted. "I'll fetch our latest batch of urine-recyc wine. It should have a nice kick to it by now!" He clomped away excitedly down the corridor.

“Urine-recyc wine? You people are more than deranged, you’re all _monsters_! Come Rocky!” Without another word, Frank wrapped an arm around Rocky, punched a button on his sonic transducer remote. There was a large flash, like a bad special effect, and Dr. Frank N. Furter and his creation were gone, as suddenly as they’d appeared.

“Guess urine-recyc wasn’t their cup of tea,” Lister shrugged as Kryten suddenly reappeared, a bottle of wine in-hand.

“What’s happened to our guests? Oh Mister Lister, sir. I do wish you and Mister Rimmer would stick to your OWN quarters when you play these role-playing games. We’ve not had any guests to entertain for years, and now you’ve scared them off with your silly little obsession with putting your in-and-out bits together.” The mechanoid’s face dropped into a disappointed frown.

“Good riddance,” said Rimmer with a sniff. “I didn’t like the looks of them. They looked like a couple of seedy low-lifes to me.”

“Oh I don’t know,” said Lister with a grin. “I quite liked the looks of those spangly platform heels. Think we might be able to find some like that down in the shopping malls?”

Rimmer smirked as he tugged on the holo-whip and pulled Lister closer to him. “Maybe, but first I’ll need to punish you for your insubordination earlier.”

“Whatever you say, Big Man,” Lister drawled as they walked, arm in arm to their sleeping quarters.

 


End file.
